


Klondike Bar

by VampireApple



Category: One Piece
Genre: Mugiwara no Ichimi | Straw Hat Pirates, Mugiwara no Ichimi | Straw Hat Pirates As Family, Nakamaship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21938482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireApple/pseuds/VampireApple
Summary: The Straw Hats are invited to a TV studio and asked what they would do for a Klondike Bar. The expected chaos ensues.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Klondike Bar

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably one of my most favorite things I've written in a while (how's that for an awkward sentence?). This started because I was rewatching Naruto Abridged and there's that bit about what they would do for a Klondike bar. I wondered what the Straw Hats would do, and tada! This fic.
> 
> Disclaimer: One Piece is the property of Eiichiro Oda and and Captain Hampton is the property of Aquabats. I do not own the rights to either, nor do I own the rights to Blow the Man Down.

. . .

"Hello and welcome to Grand Line Television! Today we will be interviewing the Straw Hat Pirate Crew, finding out what they would do for a Klondike bar!"

Law smiled as he hit the record button. "This will be hilarious."

. . .

Luffy

"Hello sir, would you mind introducing yourself?" The first reporter asked pleasantly.

"I'm Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm going to be the Pirate King!"

"Well, it's nice to have- what!" The reporter yelped in shock.

Luffy's arm shot out and grabbed one of the Klondike bars sitting on the table between him and the interviewer and shoved it in his mouth.

"That was-" 

Luffy grabbed another one to shove in his mouth. 

"Hey!" The second reporter yelled. 

And another one. 

"Stop that!"

Little did these two poor reporters know this was only the beginning. The production team had no idea what kind of monumental mistake they had made. 

. . . 

Zoro

It had been three long minutes since their guest had sat down and promptly fallen asleep. The two reporters were too intimidated to try and wake him up. They just stared in tense silence. Then the brave (stupid) intern threw a piece of paper at Zoro. 

They both yelped and ducked. Zoro did not wake up. They glanced at each other. 

. . .

Nami

"Hello Cat Burglar Nami! It is lovely to have you on our program."

Nami smiled and the reporter felt his heart skip a beat. 

"It's lovely to be on your show." She leaned forward, giving the reporter a prime view, and stage whispered "I've never been on television before."

The poor reporter never stood a chance. 

. . .

Usopp  
  
"Hello God Usopp, and thank you for agreeing to coming onto our program!"

Usopp puffed himself up. "I'm always happy to grant an interview. After all I am a very important, strong and powerful pirate and am happy to share my knowledge and stories!"

"Ah, yes. Thank you. Given your position and power, what would you do for a Klondike bar?"

"That reminds me of a story. The story of Jim and a pirate captain! Young Jim, as a lad, he looked for adventure. Calamity, danger, whatever was free. So when he turned ten, he packed his belongings and he left home to find his destiny. Jim's just a boy, who's head full of legends, of dungeons and dragons and pirates and stuff. So that summer he snuck on a schooner-"

The reporter couldn't help but listen in awe. 

. . .

Sanji

"Hello Black Leg Sanji, and thank you for agreeing to be interviewed."

Sanji sat back in a relaxed manner in his chair. "Whatever."

"Now, sir, you are the cook for the Straw Hats, correct?"

"Yeah."

The reporter kept his wide smile, determined not to let Sanji's lack of interest ruin this interview. "I'm sure you must know a lot about food, and all sorts of delicious treats. There are very few, if any, ice cream treats better than a Klondike bar. What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

Sanji grabbed one of the bars off the table and started reading the ingredients. "Corn syrup, fructose, cocoa processed with alkali, high fructose corn syrup... this is an outrage! I would never feed this to Nami-swan or Robin-chan!" He threw the bars onto the chair he'd vacated. He pulled out a bowl, mixing spoon and ingredients from... somewhere. 

The reporter watched with wide eyes as Sanji started to cook.

. . .

Copper

"Hello there cutie! We have a special treat, folks. With us is the Straw Hat's pet, Cotton Candy Lover Chopper!"

"Hey, asshole, who are you calling a cutie!" Copper demanded, hiding the wrong way behind his chair. 

The reporter screamed "It talks!"

"I am not an it! I'm a he! I'm Chopper!"

"Aw!" The reporter gushed. "He's so cute!"

"Don't think calling me cute will make me happy, asshole!" Chopper definitely looked pleased at the compliment. 

"So cute!"

. . .

Robin

"With us today we have Devil Child Nico Robin. Welcome, and thank you for coming on our program."

Robin smiled politely. "Thank you for having me."

"Now, what would you do for a Klondike bar?" He motioned to the bowl of bars on the table between them. 

"Would you like a list in alphabetical order? I could also list the acts from most violent to least violent. Or least violent to most violent."

The reporter's mouth dropped open.

"It might be a smaller list if I list what acts I would not do for a Klondike bar. For example, I would not eviscerate a person. Nor would I rip out a person's heart." Robin put her chin on the palm of her hand and smiled cheerfully.

The reporter felt terror creep through his veins.

. . . 

Franky

"Hello Cyborg Franky! It's great to have you on our show!"

"Its SUPER to be here!" Franky said, complete with pose. 

"Um, right. So, Cyborg Franky-"

"Dude, call me Franky."

"Franky. What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

Franky looked at the bowl of Klondike bars in disinterest. "Nothing."

"No- nothing?"

"Yup."

The reporter paused. This was unexpected. "May I ask why?"

"It's not cola. Now that's SUPER!" He did his pose again. He then pulled out a cola from... the reporter's eyes widened. There was no way he pulled a cola from there. "Here, try some!"

The reporter took it gingerly. Accepting strange drinks form pirates was probably not the best idea, but... for the sake of the interview.... he took a sip.

. . .

Brook  
  
"Hello Soul King Brook, and welcome to our program. It is good to have you here," the reporter said cordially. The makeup really was amazing. The performer really looked like a skeleton! 

"Ah, thank you for having me," Brook said, calmly sipping his tea. 

"Your music is so inspirational and you so rarely grant interviews, we are honored that you chose to come here," the reporter continued. 

"Of course I would go with my nakama! YOHOHOHO!" 

"Um, right. Well, moving on. What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

Brooke calmly thought about his answer. "I suppose I would eat it, but I do not have a stomach. SKULL JOKE! YOHOHOHO!"

The reporter leaned back, surprised by the outburst. "Um, okay. You didn't really answer the question though..."

. . .

Jinbe

This reporter was the most senior one at the station. He had been in all sorts of sticky and life threatening situations. This is why he was chosen to interview Knight of the Sea Jinbe. Jinbe was dangerious. He had been a pirate captain, a warlord, been imprisoned Marineford and broke out! Jinbe had been a pirate as long as this reporter had been alive! On top of that, hee was a fishman! The reporter hoped to conduct this interview without bloodshed. He squared his shoulders and cleared his throat. 

"Hello and welcome Knight of the Sea Jinbe. Thank you for coming on our program."

"Thank you, I'm happy to be here," Jinbe responded pleasantly.

"Mr. Jinbe, what would you do for a Klondike bar?" The reported braced himself for a violent answer.

Jinbe thought for a moment before replying. "I would probably go to the store and buy one."

The reporter was completely thrown off kilter by such a normal answer.

. . .

Luffy

All of the Klondike bars were gone. The two reporters were clutching each other in fright. They started to cry when Luffy stretched out his arms further to grab more treats. 

. . .

Sanji

The reporter stared in amazement at Sanji. The cook was halfway through making a dozen frozen treats. Where had he gotten the ingredients and the utensils? It was like they appeared out of thin air! The reporter screamed when a hand came out of nowhere, trying to grab the Klondike bars. Sanji kicked it away, out of habit more than anything else. He certainly didn't care about the bars. 

"Shitty captain," he muttered before returning to his creation. "Nami-swam and Robin-chawn will be so happy!"

The reporter wondered how Sanji got his body to move so bonelessly. 

. . .

Robin

"-and then the metal rod is red hot is removed from the fire. While it is red hot it is inserted into the nasal canal at such an angle so as to pierce the brain. It is then moved around to loosen all the brain matter. The hook at the end is used to pull everything out. The brain is then put into a jar." Robin paused in her explanation of mummification as a hand appeared and took all the Klondike bars.

The reporter, who was already silently crying and slightly catatonic, completely passed out. 

"Oh my," Robin said with a small smile.

. . . 

Usopp 

The reporter sat in fascinated silence as he listened to the sniper's tale. 

"Now, the pirates the great captain was looking for where the fierce midget pirates of Willy Goat. The deadliest pirates of the seven seas. And although they were wee men, they had big swords and were known for gutting many and leaving few alive. The captain knew they were heading towards the Sandwich Isle to pillage the giant ham farm. The captain knew what he must do!"

A hand reached out and grabbed all the Klondike bars, interrupting Usopp. The reporter screamed. Usopp looked in the direction the hand had come from. 

"Oi, Luffy, stop interrupting my story!"

"Swry Osp!" was yelled back. Usopp understood it to be "Sorry Usopp" and continued with his tale. 

"Now, seven weeks into the trip, and Jim was sick to death of being sick. Some kind of action he wanted as he searched the seas, for everyday was the same old... stuff. That night he felt like jumping ship but then he heard a crash hit the starboard side of the ship and bumped him out of his bunk, onto his bottom. Our heroes drew their swords as the midgets swarmed aboard. The pirates surprise attack, the tiny buccaneers caught us by surprise as we tried to battle back!"

. . .

Zoro

The two reporters had balled up all the paper in their immediate vicinity and had thrown it all on Zoro. The swordsman was still sleeping. They were looking for more things to throw on him when a hand reached out and grabbed all the Klondike bars. They muffled their screams and froze. They held their breath, waiting to see if the green haired man would wake up. He didn't. They continued their search. 

. . .

Franky

The reporter felt like his brain was going numb. He was the one who was supposed to be asking questions. He was not supposed to be getting a lecture! The cyborg even had charts!

"-and then you add the sweetener. Some people like to use high-fructose corn syrup, which is a mistake. Sugar is the way to go. Now, there are four different types of sugar- white refined, white unrefined, unprocessed cane, and brown. Brown can be broken down into two subcategories, light and dark. We don't have time to go into which sugar is best through-"

The cyborg ignored the reporter's exclamation of relief.

"Instead, we're going to move onto flavorings."

The reporter started to cry. 

Franky ignored the hand that stole all the Klondike bars. The reporter was too caught up in his misery to notice. 

. . .

Nami

There was no one around when a hand took all the Klondike bars. Nami has persuaded (conned) the reporter (sucker) into giving her a tour (stealing spree) of the building. 

. . .

Jinbe

The reporter was amazed at how polite and well spoken the fishman pirate was. They had quickly gotten into a moral and philosophical discussion. Jinbe had told him about the plight of his queen. The fishman was truly a wise and kind soul. If arguably the worst of the Straw Hat pirates was the complete opposite of what common belief said he was, then perhaps the rest of the crew was not as crazy and out of control either. 

The reporter was too engrossed in his conversation to notice the hand stealing all the Klondike bars. Jinbe saw it, and knew he had maybe five minutes before he had to leave. 

. . .

Brook

The reporter was determined to not be derailed. "Mr. Soul King, please, what would you do for a Klondike bar?"

Brook sipped his tea. "I would give it to Lampoon. He was this baby whale the Rumbar pirates found."

The reporter felt like beating his head against the wall. This is not what he wanted to know. 

. . .

Chopper

"Doctorine took me in then. I learned a lot from her," Chopper finished. 

"That's amazing!" The reporter gushed. "I wish I could talk to animals all the time! I bet they all have incredible stories like yours!"

"Um, not really. Most of them are pretty boring."

"You can talk to animals!" The reporter got stars in her eyes.

. . .

Luffy

Luffy looked around. All the Klondike bars were gone. He reached out his arm to grab at Sanji's one last time. Sanji let him steal the (shitty) bars this time. Having eaten everything in sight he got up to look for more food. The two reporters didn't even try and stop him. 

. . .

Zoro

Zoro was completely buried under a pile of paper, office supplies and a shoe. Only his hair remained unburied. The two reporters were trying to figure out a way of balancing items on the swordsman's head. 

. . .

Chopper

Chopper was enjoying watching cute animal videos. The reporter enjoyed Chopper's translations of the animals. Who knew such cute, fluffy creatures had such potty mouths?

. . .

Robin

The reporter had not regained consciousness. Robin took full advantage. She used her Devil Fruit to obtain reports and sensitive information the studio had. She used her arms to move the files along the ceiling and out to the Sunny. To most people it simply looked liked she was reading a book and sipping tea. 

. . .

Jinbe

Knowing his time was running short Jinbe tried to bring up all the points he wanted to make. This reporter seemed honest, and seemed to process great integrity. The helmsman felt he would accurately represent the plight of the fishmen. 

. . .

Usopp

"It was horrible! They were everywhere! And unlike normal midgets who are usually bright and clever and fun to be around these midget pirates, with their beady little eyes and sharp teeth, bore down on us like fierce sharks, in a feeding frenzy of blood! Slashing at us with their swords, gutting our bellies, poking our bums, clipping our knees!"

. . .

Franky

Having finished explaining how cola was made Franky moved on to his true love- building. He took the chair he had been sitting on. It was mildly more interesting to the reporter. When the cyborg started to open up parts of himself the poor reporter couldn't help but scream. 

. . .

Nami

Men were so easy. Nami had charmed her way into the head office. The reporter was supposed to be showing her something on the screen. To keep his attention there she unplugged something. This allowed her to steal a few more items, and let Robin continue to do whatever she was going. She giggled to herself. What a good day!

. . .

Sanji

Finally the ice cream treats were finished and absolutely perfect. If the reporter had been female Sanji would have made extra. However, the reporter was a "shitty bastard" so he went in search of Nami and Robin. 

. . .

Brook

As soon as Brook heard Sanji yell out "Nami-swan! Robin-chwan!" he picked up his violin. "Would you like to hear some music? What would you like to hear?"

The reporter blinked in surprise at the sudden topic shift. "Oh, um, if you take requests how about-"

"Blow the Man Down is the perfect song!" Brook yelled as he started to play.

"Hey!" the reporter said indignantly. 

. . .

Chaos 

Everyone in the building heard the song being played, but only nine people knew what it meant. 

Robin calmly walked back to the Sunny. She looked forward to reading over what she had obtained. 

Franky picked up the chair he had been working on. "Later! I'll return this when I'm finished." He walked off, ignoring (half hearted) protests of the reporter. As he headed to the Sunny Franky heard Usopp continuing with his story. 

"We knew not what to do, for the captain was nowhere to be found!"

He scooped up Usopp onto his shoulder as he walked by. Usopp yelled from his new position "Where was the captain! Where was the captain! Franky, put me down! I'm not done yet!"

"You can tell us later bro." The two started to argue. 

"Wait!" called out the reporter. He really wanted to hear the end of the story, but he was too intimidated to go after the pirates.

Zoro woke up from his nap. He was confused by all the stuff on him, and the two reporters who were running away screaming. Shrugging he wandered off to the Sunny. 

Chopper saw Zoro heading in the wrong direction and scampered up to his shoulder to make sure he actually made it back to the Sunny. "No, Zoro, this way!"

"Sunny is this way."

Chopper pulled on Zoro's hair. "Go this way!"

Zoro signed and decided to humor the doctor. 

Nami appeared with a bag of loot in one hand and Luffy's ear in the other. Luffy was happily eating an armload of stolen food. Suddenly he was kicked from behind. 

"Move you shitty bastard! Nami-swan! I made you special ice cream treats!"

"Thank you Sanji-kun! Here, carry this for me and I'll take these. I assume half are for Robin?"

"Yes, Nami-swan!" Sanji swooned as he took the bag. He almost fell over from the weight. He always forgot how strong Nami got when she had treasure. 

Jinbe stood and bowed respectfully to the reporter. "I have enjoyed our conversation. I do apologize on behalf of my nakama." With that he headed back to the Sunny. 

"Apologize?" the reporter repeated, confused both by Jinbe's words and his sudden leaving. He looked around. Most of his coworkers were gone or in a sorry state. The Straw Hats were walking out the door. "Oh..."

Brook followed the last of his crew out, dancing along to the song. He was already composing a new song to commemorate this lovely adventure. 

. . .

Afterwards

"You invited an infamous pirate crew to your station. They accepted and actually showed up. You did not inform us. Then you were surprised when they destroyed your studio?" Sengoku summarized. 

The two executives standing in front of him glanced at each other. 

"How long had they been here?"

"About... fifteen minutes, sir," one of the executives admitted. 

Garp burst out laughing. 

"Garp! You're not helping!" yelled Sengoku. 

A lowly employee burst into the room. "Sir! Not only did they get our secret reports and all our valuables, all the food in the whole building is gone!"

Garp started laughing again. "I'm so proud of my grandson!"

Sengoku pinched the bridge of his nose. 

. . .

Elsewhere

A dark haired young man turned off the TV. He stared at the blank screen in annoyance before picking up the den-den mushi. As soon as the other person picked up he started to speak. "Did you see what Luffy did! Without us!"

He paused, listening to the other person. 

"I agree. We should definitely stop in." His grin would send shivers down people's spines. 

. . .

**Author's Note:**

> Law- Okay, there is a moment in the Dragonball Z Abridged series where Krillan (I think) its about to get beat up and it flashes over to Vegeta who is watching TV and he holds up a remote and goes "And record" to record the moment, and that's what I based Law's line on. I see him doing that just like Vegeta did in DBZA
> 
> Usopp- So, the story Usopp is telling is actually from the Aquabat's song Captain Hampton. There's AMV for One Piece of this song that's very funny. I didn't realize the person who made the AMV added speaking parts into the song until I tried looking up the lyrics for this fic. I'd totally recommend checking it out. Search youtube with One Piece Captain Hampton (subtitulado)
> 
> Jinbe- This is the first time I've ever written Jinbe, and I know I'm not super familiar with his character. I kinda see him as a much more chill and logical (normal) character than the rest. If you look at it from an outsider's perspective he would be the worst out of all of them, because he's a fishman and his history. I tried to contrast him as very normal and thoughtful, while the rest of his crew is just crazy. I find great humor in the contrast.
> 
> Blow the Man Down- I thought about using Bink's Brew as the song Brook plays, but I decided to go with something different. I picked this song, because I read that the Spongebob theme song was kind of based off of it.


End file.
